Writing a condolence letter to a bereaved person gives you an opportunity to create a lasting memento. It also gives you a means of honoring the memory of the deceased and a chance to offer comfort and hope to the surviving family. In the age of emails, instant messages, text and social media, we rarely take time to write a personal letter. But when it comes time to write a condolence letter, we must pull out a pen and some paper and write a heartfelt message.
Components of Grief
The article will not discuss the grief process. I mention it here to provide a clearer understanding of grief and help you write a sincere and heartfelt letter. Once you receive news of death, whether of a loved one, friend or family member, it is hard to escape the feeling of grief that envelops you. Understanding the components of grief will help you to write a sincere and heartfelt condolence letter. Here are some of the components of grief.
1. Shock at the loss
2. Denial that the loss occurred
3. Searching yourself for an answer
4. Bouts of anxiety
5. A bit of sadness
6. A touch of anger
7. Feelings of guilt
8. Preoccupation and forgetfulness
9. Contemplation before accepting the loss
10. Letting go and moving on
Effects of a Condolence Letter on Grief
The grieving person goes through all of the above emotions and more. Your condolence letter will help them get through the various stages and will help them long after the funeral and for months and even years to come. Coming to terms with the death of a loved one is a long slow process so your letter may be appreciated soon after the death and years later as well.
The most important reason for writing a condolence letter is so that the grieving person can read and reread the letter as many times as needed to help them cope with their loss. Realistically, you can't be there for the survivors every time they need support, but your condolence letter offers comfort even when you can't be there.
The Seven Parts of a Condolence Letter
A condolence letter can be as long or as short as it needs to be to say what you need it to say. But what should you say in a condolence letter? Here are seven important parts of a condolence letter that will help you organize your thoughts and get your sincere sympathy out on paper.
1. Acknowledging the Loss
In the opening sentences of your condolence letter, let the person to whom you were writing know how you heard the news. Use it to express your sadness and dismay about the loss.
2. Express your Sympathy
In this next section of your condolence letter, let the person you are writing to know how much you care. How you share in their grief and sorrow. Above all, be honest. If you knew the person who passed away, express your sadness and offer support to the bereaved. Give them comfort, letting him or her know they are not alone during this time.
3. Write About the Deceased
Mention things you know about the deceased that brought joy to others. Recount some pleasant experiences with the deceased. Maybe about sports or travel-related. Use humor as you see fit.
If you did not know the deceased personally, you might mention things you heard from others. This gives the bereaved comfort in knowing others appreciated his or her loved one.
4. Talk about Memorable Occasions Involving the Deceased
Here you can mention how the deceased had an impact on your life. This could be work-related, school or community events. Add a sense of humor when referring to these events. Remember, laughter is a good medicine and can cure a lot of ills.
5. Talk About the Qualities of the Person to Whom you are Writing
In this section of your condolence letter, offer reassurances to the bereaved to help to boost self-confidence. Sharing emotions of grief, anger, sadness, guilt and soul-searching can help to heal. Do not be afraid to mention the person's strength in overcoming difficult situations in the past. Remind the person you are writing to how resilient he or she was in conquering a difficult situation. Grief will not last forever.
6. Make an Offer to do Something for the Bereaved
Most letters of condolence include an offer of assistance. If you feel like assisting, say so. Even if you have no desire to assist, still write a condolence letter. We usually offer our assistance out of courtesy to someone who is grieving. Without thinking, we often say, "Let me know if there is anything I can do!" You have to realize, this can put pressure on the bereaved to ask for your assistance. It would be better to offer specific assistance, such as picking up the kids from school, answering the phones, greeting people as they visit or helping to sort the letters and card that are coming in. Once you offer your assistance, be sure to keep your promise.
7. The closing
Be thoughtful in how you end your condolence letter. It is the last thing the bereaved will read. This is the part of your letter, he or she will remember for a long time. Let your words reflect your true feelings. You could use, "love', yours truly',"best regards" or with deepest sympathy. You could choose a condolence phrase from the list below to end your letter.
o May the peace, which comes from the memories of love shared, comfort you now and in the days ahead.
o May the comfort of God help you during this difficult time.
o We are thinking of you during this difficult time.
o Words seem inadequate to express the sadness we feel.
o Although no words can really help to ease the loss you bear, just know that you are very close in every thought and prayer.
o You have my deepest sympathies on the death of your uncle.
o Oh, heart, if one should say to you that the soul perishes like the body, answer that the flower withers, but the seed remains.
o Our hearts go out to you in your time of sorrow.
o I was deeply saddened to hear of your loss. My thoughts are with you.
o I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.
It may take some time to write your condolence letter, but it is well worth the effort. You may not ever fully appreciate what your condolence letter can do for someone else until you feel the impact of a loss of a loved one. But know in your heart that your written words can offer the comfort that is often so hard to say.
A condolence letter is an excellent way to honor and remember the deceased. The process of writing the letter may even help you with your own grieving process and help you come to terms with the loss.
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Melanie Walters recommends ObituariesHelp.org for Condolence Letters, sample letters of sympathy and condolence, written examples of eulogies as well as help with all aspects of funeral planning. Also download free genealogy resources and read about building a family tree.
Melanie Walters created http://www.obituarieshelp.org/ to be the complete online resource for sympathy, condolence, obituaries, funeral help and genealogy. Free Sample Condolence Letters are available online to help you write your own. Also find family tree templates, newspaper obituaries listings; plan funerals and write sympathy and condolence messages using free samples and guides.
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